


Chemicals React

by AlexisDawn



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/M, diary entry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:51:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26500186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexisDawn/pseuds/AlexisDawn
Summary: Pages from Olivia's diary.
Relationships: Elliot Stabler/Kathy Stabler, Olivia Benson/Elliot Stabler
Comments: 5
Kudos: 7





	1. Chemicals React

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I wrote years ago on a trip. It’s an entry from Olivia’s diary, with a small flashback to a conversation. Huge thank you to FragileVixenFic for beta reading this; Go check out her stories!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own the show or the characters.

_“You make me feel out of my element,  
Like I’m walking on broken glass.  
Like my world’s spinning in slow motion  
And I’m moving too fast.”  
Chemicals React – Aly & AJ_

You know how they say you should put your heart on the line if you think the person is worth it? Well, I know that and I did. To save you a lot of time and heartbreak...don’t follow that. Well don’t if the love of your life is married with five kids and has been your best friend for the last nine years. Who am I you ask to offer such advice? I am Olivia Benson, the person who stupidly fell for her partner Elliot Stabler.

We work at the one six, an NYPD precinct in Manhattan. Some people refer to it as Special Victims Unit, others prefer Sex Crimes and the real idiots call us the panty police. We catch rapists, pedophiles and murderers, dealing with abuse and molestation cases. I, being a child of rape can understand what some of the victims are going through. I have been in so many relationships and have had so many of them not work out. I never believed in love because growing up I never was and I was taught that I would never be loved back. My mom was wrong, though, people love me but it’s just not the person I want to love me.

It’s always hard being away from him; it’s like missing a part of me. Sure I left twice but that was all I had the guts to do. I couldn’t leave him permanently. I just had this connection with him and I felt like I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to leave him alone for too long. All I wanted to do was hug him and help him pick up the pieces. When it was either a case that was too close to home or if he fought with his wife, I would help calm him down, figure it out and he would never thank me. All he did was return home to his wife, probably got some too since he returned the next morning with a huge smile. All I want to do is just be with him and have him realize that I am better than his wife. All she does is accuse him of cheating. Of course, the accusations are directed at me even though we haven’t even hugged once let alone anything else….Well that was in the past, let me show you the present.

Elliot is my earth, sun and everything else you can imagine. The little touches and brushes past each other while we are working just makes me shiver. I guess I should just say what is actually happening now. He was married, was with a blonde, blue-eyed bitch. Now he’s single, kissed his temporary partner Dani Beck and still not made a move in my direction. We have been having fights more often, but also have drifted closer and in a flirtier mood around each other. There have been more touches, shivers and little looks from across the room.

I remember having a conversation with Casey earlier about the situation.

“I can’t tell him that I love him Casey. He has a wife and five kids, one a newborn! He loves them and apparently he wouldn’t want to leave them, so why should I even try?” Olivia said to her friend Casey who was sitting down with her in the precinct waiting for her to finish her paperwork.  
“He loves you, screw Kathy she is not even half the woman you are Liv. Elliot and you love each other but you’re both too damn stubborn to admit it.” Casey said looking at her friend with truth in her eyes.

I want to be the one he thinks of all the time, not her.

I’m not sure what to do anymore. I’ll always be in love with him.

Should I tell him? Do I give up? Should I move on? I can’t leave him. It may hurt like hell but it would hurt worse to leave him.

I’m not sure what to do. I guess I’ll have to see what tomorrow brings…

_While walking I heard an old lady say,_  
“I’ve been in love with the same man for almost 50 years.”  
I was touched but then she said, “I wish he knew.”  
\- Anonymous 


	2. Exile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Exile" - Taylor Swift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own the show or the characters. The song is “Exile” by Taylor Swift.
> 
> Note: These diary entries will be out of order. I may have them flip back and forth between past and present. I’m still deciding that. If you have any suggestions, feel free to let me know!
> 
> Thank you to LivBensonStabler and AWildMind for helping me with that line; Go check out their writing!

_"I think I’ve seen this film before,And I didn’t like the ending.  
You’re not my homeland anymore,  
So what am I defending now?  
You were my town  
Now I’m in exile, seein’ you out  
I think I’ve seen this film before”  
Exile - Taylor Swift_

I’m never sure what to feel for him. I’m not sure how to feel. There are times where I feel like my world is crumbling down around me. I feel like I’m suffocating and no one is helping me to breathe.

Then I’m with him…and I feel like I can breathe. I feel like everything is good in my life. We deal with so much crap, day in and day out, but he’s the positive in all of it.

I still remember meeting him for the first time in the captain’s office. He was so annoyed he was going to have to train some rookie. He gave the captain so much shit about how he didn’t need a partner and he could always go out with someone else if it was really necessary.

It was a little rocky for the first couple of weeks, then we had a really bad case. One of those cases that tests everyone. We were on a stake out, hoping to finally catch the guy in the act.

Halfway through our shift, he turned to me and I remember him saying “I underestimated you. You’re a good cop. I’m glad you have my back, for better or worse”. Then he gave me that smile of his. You know the one that just melts your insides.

After that case, we opened up to each other more. We gained each other’s trust as the cases went on. He told me about his family and how he grew up, and I told him about my mom and how I came into the world.We have shared so much over the years. The good, the bad and the in-between. There’s no one else I would rather do this with but him.

I love getting to see him at work. We understand each other on another level. It’s crazy how much better I feel after chatting with him, whether its during the day or having a beer after work. He’s all I need.

I don’t know where I’d be without him. He has made me a better cop and a better person. I’m in love with him. I just wish I was the one he was going home to at night. I want to be the one that he lays with after a hard case. I want to be the one he goes to. I want to be with him.

He’s married. I know this. He’s devoted. He probably doesn’t even think of me that way. I have to get over him, but it’s impossible to do. He makes it impossible. Maybe I need to finally leave. I can’t be stuck in this endless loop. Something has to give.  


_  
"Every time she laughs  
she hopes he's watching.  
Hoping that he will fall for her smile,  
just as hard  
as she fell  
for his."  
\- K.M.  
_


	3. When You're Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When You're Gone - Avril Lavigne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own the show or the characters. The song is “When You’re Gone” by Avril Lavigne.
> 
> This story was originally meant to be a one shot, but I am ending this story here. It felt like a good place to end it. Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed the story. It means a lot to me. I hope to post or update something soon, so make sure to put me on your alert list so you don’t miss out!

_“We were made for each other  
Out here forever  
I know we were  
Yeah, yeah  
And all I ever wanted was for you to know  
Everything I do, I give my heart and soul  
I can hardly breathe; I need to feel you here with me”  
When You’re Gone – Avril Lavigne_

He left. He fucking left.

He hasn’t answered any of my calls. He hasn’t responded to any of my text messages or e-mails. I haven’t seen him since it happened. Since he shot that girl, Jenna.

I know he regrets shooting her, I saw the look in his eyes right after it happened. Neither of us said anything, we were both still in shock. The fact that there was a shooting in our precinct, our home. Watching Sister Peg fall to the ground. Watching Elliot turn around and shooting Jenna.

It was a clean shot. She had shot sister Peg and was aiming for me when he took the shot. He did it to protect me. He saved me once again.

I’m not sure what is going through his mind right now. I hope he knows that I don’t blame him. I hope he knows that I would have stood by him no matter what his decision was going to be.

I hate that I had to find out from Cragen that he put his papers in. After so many years as partners, he couldn’t just tell me he was done. He had to just disappear with no trace, lost in the wind.

Lost.  
I lost it.  
I lost him.

The world feels like an empty void and I’m spiraling into the dark.

I’m not sure what to do any more without him. He was my reason for so many things in my life. He still is, even though he’s not my partner anymore.

All the things that we went through over the years. Everything that was complicated with us seems so much less complicated. I wish it wasn’t as complicated towards the end.

I love him.  
I miss him.  
I just want my partner back.  
I want my friend back.  
I want him back.

_“Suddenly she realized that what she was regretting  
Was not the lost past but the lost future,  
Not what had not been  
But what would never be.”_

_-F. Scott Fitzgerald  
_


End file.
